Experiencing the dark night of the soul

Dealing with heavy emotions can be a heavy burden on us, especially if we're dealing with a global pandemic that's affecting our daily lives as a society. A few days ago after i hosted a livestream on the blissful heroes instagram i felt this heavy sensation in my heart space. I thought i was going crazy at first, i tried to ignore it and do some deep breathing exercises to calm my mind and my heart but it didn't work. Before i went to bed i felt angry, disappointed, jealous & sad. Those emotions alone never have bothered me before and i did my best to control them until that day that my heavy emotions came out and i realized that my shadow came out & i was experiencing the dark night of the soul. When i saw my mom have her seizure a week after her birthday i never felt so scared in my life. i literally saw my mom vanish right before my eyes and the pain from that experience haunts me still. I'm still coping with my moms passing when she passed away two days after christmas and i realized now that i can't blame myself for things i have no control of. I understand now that things happen for a reason and i should continue to hold my mom deep within my heart. Her passing was the most difficult thing to happen to our family and deep down within my soul i know she's watching over me, my sister, her granddaughter, her furry baby rickee and my dad. I realize now that our shadow side can come out of grief when you least expect it and dealing with a loss of a loved one like your mom or dad can be a heavy one to endure but it can also be a way for us to grow beautifully & stronger like a person, like a "phoenix rising from the ashes" our minds and hearts can learn how to hold love in for the people that we lose, to remember all the lessons that they have taught us, the fun memories we have together as a family, I truly understand my shadow side that i have been supresing for so long & i am willing to let the guilt, jealousy and shame go and learn how i can grow beautifully as a man & as a unique being of light and love and i truly understand now that we can appreciate the light from being in a dark place or state of mind.